On Her Knees
Memoir of a Prayerful Jezebel
Author Brenda Marie Davies Foreword by Joshua Harris ISBN 9780802878533 Binding Trade Paper Publisher WM B. Eerdmans Publishing Company Publication Date April 06, 2021 Size 140 x 216 mm“The problem was, because Purity is an idol (a validated and worshiped idol), I didn’t know who or what I’d be without my totem. My Christianity depended on Purity.”
Going to a conservative Christian church when she was young, Brenda Marie Davies heard a consistent message—save yourself for marriage—that instilled in her fear and shame about sex. But after moving to Los Angeles at nineteen and finding herself suddenly exposed to a world far outside her comfort zone, she was forced to wrestle with the power and perversity of Christian purity culture.
On Her Knees chronicles Brenda’s spiritual journey over the course of a decade in LA, through marriage, divorce, unlikely friendship, and sexual exploration. Through it all, she began tearing down the false idol of purity while refusing to abandon her faith.
Told with raw honesty, sans obligatory shame, this is a story for anyone who wonders if it’s possible to love God without fearing sex, in all its shades of grey.
— Joshua Harris
from the foreword
“Davies journeys from evangelical Christian purity culture to Hollywood at its hottest as she struggles to reclaim a sexuality that has been squeezed, suppressed, used, and abused to meet the disparate desires of men. In the process, the young woman who spent most of her life on her knees—be it for a rock-and-roll god or a religious one—learns to stand up for herself. Hers is a story with which many young women, forced to reconcile the world’s incongruous expectations for their sexuality, will identify.”
— Linda Kay Klein
author of Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free
“Behind the walls of fear, shame, and opprobrium, Eros always seeks a way through the cracks. Brenda Marie Davies is that rare brave soul who trusted the instincts of her desire. Now, with On Her Knees, she looks back on those walls and cleaves open those cracks, so that others, like her, might find their way out of the shadows and into a place of sexual authenticity and self-integration.”
— Ian Kerner
sex therapist and New York Times bestselling author of She Comes First
“In On Her Knees, Brenda Marie Davies exposes the lies of evangelical purity culture that have long crushed the spirit and ruined the lives of millions of faith-filled Christians. This brave and honest story exposes the experience of thousands like her who have suffered the debilitating shame of the patriarchal purity movement. In contrast, stubborn and resilient explorers like Brenda, who listen instead to the quiet voice of their hearts, offer an alternative. They hear the true loving voice of God. It is a voice calling them toward truth, calling them toward love, and calling out the abuse of power that has long been the tradition of patriarchal Western empire religion.”
— Tina Schermer Sellers
author of Sex, God, and the Conservative Church: Erasing Shame from Sexual Intimacy
“On Her Knees is no flimsy summer ‘beach read.’ No, it’s the kind of book that grabs you by the shoulders and makes you think. In this book, Brenda Marie Davies takes readers on a guided tour of conservative Christian purity culture that will leave them haunted. With the precision of a surgeon, she vividly explores the way purity culture distorts the way people view bodies, sex, and the Divine. From the carnage of an evangelical hellscape, Davies offers hope for self-acceptance, healing, and, dare I say, salvation.”
— Jonathan Merritt
contributing writer for The Atlantic and author of Learning to Speak God from Scratch
“Refreshing and honest, On Her Knees provides a soothing antidote to all of us who grew up in the shame-addled world of purity culture and a shocking, unfiltered anecdote to those who did not. A vital and necessary work for one and all, no matter your upbringing.”
— Karen Maine
writer and director of Yes, God, Yes
“Reclaiming spirituality after the loss of religion is a complex, and often painful, journey. For many of us, what feels most frightening is that we believe we are doomed to take that journey alone. But in her profoundly candid memoir, On Her Knees, Brenda Marie Davies offers herself to all of us as both sister and mother, companion and guide. Let this book wash over you like a baptism—a stunning reminder of the holiness of your entire being.”
— Jamie Lee Finch
author of You Are Your Own: A Reckoning with the Religious Trauma of Evangelical Christianity
“Brenda Marie Davies brings important truths to the long, complicated history and intersection of sexuality and spirituality. She is a sex-positive Christian, and her journey in On Her Knees is a must-read for anyone struggling to reconcile their faith with their orgasm.”
— Liz Goldwyn
author, filmmaker, and founder of The Sex
Brenda Marie Davies is a podcaster and YouTuber whose YouTube channel God Is Grey—a "guide to becoming an inquisitive, fearless, SEX POSITIVE, free thinking Christian in the modern world" —has over 100,000 subscribers.
Table of Contents
Introduction
Act One
1. Mansion
2. Steeple
3. Sinners
4. Saints
5. Wolf
Act Two
6. Idol
7. Atonement
8. Madonna
9. Revelation
10. Libertine
Act Three
11. Severance
12. Jezebel
13. Succubus
14. Satyr
15. Indecision
16. Altar
Epilogue
Recommended Resources